Ole-And-Lena

Ole & Lena Jokes
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to
Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da
bus."
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have
decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a
while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
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Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da
biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're
NINETEEN."
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Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A
canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da
drain for dat flight insurance!
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Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said
"put on two coats".
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Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No,
Yes, No, Yes, No...."
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LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.
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Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."
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Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help
him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment.
He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his
hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"... so Ole
drove to Duluth.
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When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you
bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."
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Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole
in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved
about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish
under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter,
after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something
more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We
must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
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Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were
wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go
under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen
feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
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One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through
town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really
shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."
Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing
from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says
to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. Its the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy." Sven
replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"
Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."
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"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't
know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."
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One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to
answer it. "How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then
slams down the receiver. "Who was that?" asks Lena. "I have no idea, Lena, " answers Ole. "Somebody
wanted to know if the coast is clear."
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your
ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I
accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
other ear?" Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
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Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face
as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question
his mother. "Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her, " answered mama
Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole. "Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.
"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena
replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began
writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they
began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked
excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh, " said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell, " Ole answered,
"because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
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Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home
from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway. "Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."
Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway." "It's worse
than that Lena, where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"
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Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would
cost. "$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot. "That's too much, " said Ole. The pilot thought for a second
and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the
ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." Ole and Lena agreed and went for a
wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You
are a brave man." "Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having
a celebration of some sort. "Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on
for hours. Finally the bartenders curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?"
he asked. "51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded. "What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put
the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"
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Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?" Lena: "In da lake."
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Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to
get the first one well again.
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a
pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
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Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said
Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?" "Ya," said Ole.
"Vhat about it?" "Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"
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Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. As good hunters always do, they stopped to ask the farmer
permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm
and it was easy to become lost. He told the two hunters that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air
and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and they were off. About a half hour later
the two found themselves totally lost. Sven said, "Ole, I beleive ve be lost, you better fire three shots
into de air." "Ya, I tink you're right, Sven," said Ole. "Ve better get dat farmer going." So Ole fires three
shots into the air with great expectations of seeing the farmer. A half hour passes and no farmer. Sven
says, "Ole, I tink you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet." "I can't," said
Ole, "I run out of arrows."
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Sven got a new truck ya know. So he called up Ole and says, "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go
ice fishin' vith me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole vent vith Sven. (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin'
nuttin anyway.) Well Sven and Lena sat in the front seat and Ole sat back in the bed of the truck. Well dey
vere on de ice ven all of de sudden de truck vent right through the ice! Now even though Sven and
Lena are pretty big people, dey managed to get out of the truck, up to the surface, and back on top of
the ice. They vere getting pretty worried about not seeing Ole when he finally popped up. Sven
says,"Ole vat took you so long!" "Vell," says Ole, "It took me a vhile to figure out how to open the gate."
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Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat
fish cost us $400," said Sven. "Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."
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Ole and Sven were trying to get a mule into the barn, but it's ears were too long. Ole looked at the barn
and then looked at the mule. Finally he suggested raising the barn. Sven thought about this and said, "I
tink it vould be easier to dig a trench." "No, you dummy," exploded Ole, "it's dah ears dat are too long,
not dah legs!"
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Ole and Lena were at the Art Museum and Lena wanted to take Ole's picture. "Back up a bit Ole," said
Lena. So he did and knocked over a 2000 year old Ming Vase. "Oh my, Ole, we have broken the vase and
the curator is not going to be pleased at all!" Sure as to her word the curator shows up and says to Ole:
"Good grief, you have broken that Ming Vase...that was 2000 years old...do you have anything to say for
yourself?" Ole says, "Thank goodness!!! I thought it was brand new."
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Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the
keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, "I thought you had the keys." Lena says, "You were driving, the driver
always takes the keys." "Well," says Ole, "It doesn't much matter, the question is what are we going to do
about it." Lena says, "I don't know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain,
and you had to go and leave the top down."
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Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and
the police were trying to talk him down. Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?" Ole said,
"He's not going to jump." Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars." Ole
said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump." The man jumped. Ole got out his five dollars.
Sven said, "Ole, I cannot take your money. I have a confession to make. I saw this on the news earlier, so
I knew he was going to jump." Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I did not think he would
be dumb enough to try it again."
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One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I yust don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our
sex life yust ain't going dat vell." The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk
ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later
the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor
says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" Ole says, "Yes." The doctor asks, "And
has your sex life improved?" Ole replies, "Well, how in da heck vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay
from home!"
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"It's yust too hot to wear clothes today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you
tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the lawn like dis?" "Probably that I married you for your money."
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Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on
the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened
tew our sex relations?" he asked."Vell, Ole, I yust don't know, " replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a
card from dem last Christmas."
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Old Norwegian
A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the
robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber
instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a
pretty good look at you."